In my 40 years of life, I have had to do a lot of forgiving and I have had to ask for forgiveness many times too. A life-long endeavour, I think. 

When people cause you pain, it leaves a little dent in your soul and it can be really difficult to recover from that. Sometimes, we make bad decisions that place us in situations which result in incredible amounts of pain. In such cases, you are faced with a situation where you need to forgive yourself, and forgive others.

In my experience, it is easier to forgive others than it is to forgive ourselves, because the internal narrative is often one of “you should have known better”. 

I have found myself sitting in a corner of a room hoping that the ground would open up and swallow me because my heart was in such and unbearable amount of pain. So much pain that the thought of dying seemed better than facing and the inevitable process of forgiveness that was required to heal.

Forgiveness is the only key and most powerful process that one has in order to walk into freedom.

I remember as a 20-year-old in a counselling room and my counsellor suggested that we needed to talk about forgiving those who had (sexually and physically) abusers.  What do you mean, I asked? He said that I needed to forgive them and give them over to Jesus and begin to pray for them. I was like “what!?” 

His response was “it is a command from God”. My response was “I haven’t seen it in the Bible! And even if it was in the Bible (which it is by the way) why would I want to forgive someone who has caused so much damage??! I am left to pick up the pieces of my life and they get to walk away freely?? Nuh bra!! NOT happening!”.

However, in the Bible, Matthew 6 vs 14 says, “for if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you”.

Forgiveness is, as I now see it, a very selfish act. Or better put, it is an act of self-love.

It is the act of whereby I choose myself above the perpetrator. I choose to be kind to myself. I choose to love myself. I choose to impact the next generation with life. I choose to live in freedom. I choose to walk burden free. I choose to have peace of mind. I choose to trust my Jesus to fight my battles and to vindicate my pain. I choose to forgive you.  I rest assured that the other person WILL reap what they have sowed, and that God WILL NOT be mocked, as He says. I know and accept that Jesus has the power to forgive the perpetrator when they choose repent, as He will to me.

Asking someone to forgive you, when you have a wronged them, is one of the most powerful and unselfish acts you can do for the other person. Asking for forgiveness from the person you have wronged validates their pain, does justice and gives them the key to find their healing. If, however, they choose not to forgive you, you have fulfilled your part and the rest is no longer up to you.

In the past, I used to believe that once you have forgiven someone, you should, as a good Christian woman, automatically allow them back into your life.  The decision to allow some people back, resulted in me getting more hurt. Now I know that forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. 

Just because you have forgiven the person that wronged you, does not mean that they should be allowed back into your life until they are truly repentant, and you will know this by their changed behaviour changed resulting from a changed heart which. The Bible says you will know a tree by its fruit.

Boundaries are key when walking out a journey of forgiveness. We have all seen what happens when the seas cross their boundaries, or the rivers overflow their banks, it results in Tsunamis and flooding, which are destructive. That’s what happens when we allow a person that is toxic, into our lives. They cause emotional and mental tsunamis and constant flooding in our heart.  I can forgive you, and still deeply love you, from a distance, by creating and maintaining good boundaries.

The word of God commands you and me to guard our heart, because it is the wellspring of life, and no one should be allowed to poison that spring. 

Unforgiveness is a powerful weapon and tool that the enemy is willing and going to use to wreak havoc in your life. It ravages your mind, body and spirit and it has the power to destroy the generations that come after you. Unforgiveness in our heart should not be tolerated nor given power to rule our lives.

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15

I have learned that forgiveness is not a feeling, but a choice.  Just like you make a choice to love someone, choose to forgive, because you are a powerful person, because you can do hard things.  When you forgive, you get your power back.  Take it back and live in the freedom that comes in walking a life of forgiveness.

How does one begin the journey of forgiveness?

1. Humble yourself before God, knowing that he has forgiven YOU ALL of your sins,
2. Repent of your own sins, recognise that you are living in freedom, because the creator of Heaven and Earth has chosen to forgive you,
3. Choose to forgive those who have sinned against you,
4. Ask the person for forgiveness when you have sinned against that person,Forgive yourself where you have fallen short,
5. Pray for your enemies, in other words the ones that have sinned against you,
6. Pray that God will bless them. This is the test of your true forgiveness,
7. Walk a lifestyle of forgiveness.

There is joy to be found in forgiveness. When you can look at the days ahead and your heart is filled with joy and wonder, and not pain, anger and bitterness.

Forgive, because you deserve to be free.