It is unfortunate that a parent needs to train their kids to be able to spot a sexual predator. It goes against the protection of their innocence; however, it is almost criminal not to prepare the children for this.
If a child ever found themselves in a vulnerable position, it is better for them to rather know what to do. Just like we teach them to know our phone numbers and physical address, we need to teach them about reading the signals that their body sends them and to identify when they are uncomfortable.
As a child, it would have been helpful for me to know these signals, so that I could have identified them and spoken up.
Remember, abuse thrives in secrecy.
In my case, the abusers managed to convince me that what has happened was my fault and that NO ONE would believe me if I spoke up. The person also threatened to hurt my family if I ever spoke up. That responsibility, of protecting a family, is far too much for a child to carry!
Here are some learnings from my own experience: How you we begin to protect your children from sexual abuse.
1. Have an age-appropriate conversation about sex.
Many parents, unfortunately, leave the education of their kids to others. This is particularly prevalent when it comes to issues of sex and sexuality. We often leave it to their friends, media and TV to teach them…assuming that that because we are not intentionally teach them, that they are not learning. Being intentional about their sex-education from a young age removes the shame, stigma around sex and will create an environment of honest and open conversation with your kids. If you don’t talk to them about sex, they will get a distorted view of it, from someone and somewhere else.
You can start off with the book of Genesis with the story of creation and trust the Holy Spirit to lead you. After talking to your child, allow them to ask any questions and keep your answers simple and age appropriate. There are resources that are available which can help you to do this. (You are welcome to write me for a list).
2. Limit whom they have conversations with.
We have instructed our kids to never talk about sex with anyone else except us. It does not make sense for them to discuss the topic with their friends, since their friends don’t know better about the subject, and it is definitely not a conversation they should be having with any other adult. Importantly, they also are not to repeat the conversations that we have with them about sex, to any of their friends. We also want to respect their friends’ parents and allow them to do things the way that they deem appropriate.
3. Be open to questions and answer them as honestly and openly as possible.
We are happy to answer any questions they have. In fact, we believe that the more awkward we are about the conversation, the more awkward and curious they will be about it, as if there is this big secret to it. We want them to come to us first with any question- not Google.
Teach them about sex and the context in which it should take place. This will also help them be aware when something is amiss, such as when an adult or another child asks them to do something sexual. They will know that this is not the right thing for them to do, because they have a blueprint and a context for when sex should happen.
They should know that any form of sexual activity should only take place between consenting and loving adults.
It should NEVER between an adult and a child or between a child and child, nor between an adult and non-consenting adult.
4. Teach them the correct names for their private part.
Speak precisely and accurately. Call it what it is- a vagina and penis. This again removes the shame around their bodies and sexual organs. It teaches them to embrace their bodies and begins to teach them to love themselves without over-sexualising the body. Reinforce the fact that their sexual organs are a beautiful gift from God their creator, which they will get to use and enjoy in a different way, when the time is right.
5. Ask for they permission before touching their private parts.
Yes, you are the parent, but this is critical for teaching them consent and boundaries. Sometimes our kids come to us complaining about pain around their private parts. Before we can have a look, we always ask them for permission and make sure that they are okay for us to touch them and see what is wrong.
This also gives them a sense of ownership over their bodies and responsibility for it- it empowers them and is a powerful demonstrator to them of how all other people should treat them and their bodies. They must know that they can choose to say no.
6. Do not force physical demonstrations of affection to family members, friends or anyone.
We want our kids to know that hugs and kisses are not mandatory- not to grandparents, aunties and uncles. My kids DO NOT have to show anyone affection if they choose not to. We will never ask them or force to them to hug or kiss anyone. However, what is not an option is for them NOT TO GREET. They must be polite and respectful, but this is not synonymous with hugs and kisses.
Instead, it is the job of an adults to ask a child if they can give them a hug or kiss, and the child still has the right to say NO. We as they parents will always enforce their decision in this regard. Everyone must get consent from kids before giving them physical affection. As adults, we don’t appreciate unwanted physical contact and the same rule should apply to children.
Understand that it is not your child’s job to protect adults from feeling offended, if they refuse to show them physical affection. When we force our children to receive UNWANTED physical affection, we are teaching them that they do not have power over their bodies, or the right to refuse such from any other adult. They may infer that it is their job to please others even when they feel uncomfortable, and that it is ok for someone to force themselves on them.
Sexual predators often pry on the vulnerable and weak and force themselves into their personal space. If a child knows that they have a right to say NO to any unwanted physical affection, they are more likely to speak up for their right.
We as caregivers should be our children’s number advocate.
We cannot and should NOT discipline, embarrass, shame, pile on the guilt when a child refuses physical affection from a family member or friend.
All this is, it the parents/ caregiver trying to avoid embarrassment from the other adult, by placing the burden on the child. Instead, we should praise and celebrate their strong sense of being and their ability to set boundaries.
Our mandate as parents is to love and protect our kids, and not to please other adults and save ourselves from embarrassment.
7. We don’t keep secrets [but we can keep surprises].
As I said, abuse thrives under secrecy!! The meaning of a secret according to the dictionary, is “something that is not meant to be known or seen by others”.
Abusers often rely on secrecy to start and continue hurting children. We have, in our household, made it a rule that our family does not keep secrets. Secrets have the potential to hurt people. We work hard to help our kids understand the difference between a secret and a surprise.
Surprises are exciting and will make another person happy. As an example, when we are buying a birthday present for Dad or their siblings, friends, that is a surprise, which is a good. Surprises are temporary, and secrets are permanent. Surprises are mean to make the other person happy, not to hurt them. Surprises are exciting for the person keeping them, not nerve-wrecking and uncomfortable to keep.
Surprises are good- secrets are BAD.
Safe people do not ask children to keep secrets, and any person that asks you to keep ANY secret is not a safe adult and must be reported to mom and dad. More than that, the kids themselves MAY NOT keep any secret.
Make it a point to remind your children that they should never keep a secret when another child or adult asks them to. Safe adults may only ask other adults to keep secrets. Safe adults never ask help or favours from children. Safe adults never ask things of children, that only other adults can/ should do.
8. Give them the names of a handful of people that are safe and that they can talk to if they are ever in danger or if something has happened to them.
This is pretty self-explanatory, but if for some reason they cannot speak to us as parents, they must know that there are some trusted people (by us and them), that they can go and speak with. They must also know that they have our permission, and that we will not punish or discipline them for doing so. The point is NOT to control, but to build safety for them and to protect them from harm.
Most of our parents did not teach me these things, because, amongst other things, they didn’t have the language, the resources and the foresight to do so. However, we know better so let’s do better as parents living in the information age. Let’s protect our children by having open and frank conversations. Let’s empower our children by giving them age-appropriate, relevant information, so that when they are in a critical situation, they are able to identify it and have tools on how to deal with it.
Let us be more invested, intentional and proactive in protecting our kids.
Let us advocate for them and their consent, rather than in protecting adults because we are potentially embarrassed.
