I used to be the tough girl, the strong girl that didn’t show emotions easily. I used to view emotions as weak and I secretly resented people who were able to express their emotions easily and freely. 

In order to survive a very traumatising childhood, I had to be tough, hard and I had to protect myself from others (and sometimes from myself) so I would not get hurt.  I did not allow myself the freedom to be truly loved and truly known.

The thing is, when I decided to close my heart as a means of self-protection, I also closed myself up to receiving love.  I inevitably and unknowingly closed my heart off from connection, from intimacy and from the joy of experiencing my own beautiful emotions, because of this fear of getting hurt. That is how sneaky fear is- it sells you false comfort as a very high premium. It promises you security (false as it is) but charges you your peace and joy.

Playing defence doesn’t work in marriage.

Sandra b zaca

The strategy of closing myself up worked really well when I was a single girl, however honesty and vulnerability are both required in order to have a beautiful marriage.  It is possible to be honest without being vulnerable, but honesty without vulnerability is dangerous- it is like carrying a gun that has no safety.

I have always been honest with my guy, to the point of being hurtful sometimes. But to be vulnerable…not so much.  It is easy to be honest when your heart is not involved.  Sure, I loved him more than anything in the world, however I was petrified of being vulnerable, but the fear never went away.  I had thoughts like “what if he decided to use my vulnerability against me?”  Mind you, he never gave me any reason to think that.

I remember a particular fight we had a few years ago…it was bad.  It was, looking back, one of those that the outcome of, would be the catalyst for how our marriage would move forward.  My heart was stone-cold, I was angry because my guy was asking me to be vulnerable with him and to share ALL of me with him.  I will never forget him looking me in the eye and begging me to stop punishing him for the sins that other men had committed against me.

Here is the truth. I was desperate to be vulnerable. I was tired of shielding myself from hurt, and my resistance to receiving the love that this beautiful man was giving me, from the intimacy that was on offer and the deep emotional connection that I was craving with everything inside me. By the way, you can make love to your man without being vulnerable…a conversation for another day.

How vulnerability affects marriage

To have the kind of marriage that I am fortunate to enjoy now, required my emotional walls to come down…to be vulnerable in my honesty. 

Vulnerability, for me, looked like opening myself up emotionally. It was admitting that I had seen as protecting myself (which one must do) was actually a hardening of my heart, and for so long that it was causing me pain and causing damage to our marriage.  It was saying to my guy “I am so scared that you are not going to like ALL of me and my fears, that they will make you run away”. “It was admitting to myself that I am actually a sensitive soul”, and not the tough girl that people see.

I asked him to be gentle with my heart because it is precious, and it bruises easily. It is precious, and once you have it; you will have the power to cause so much damage.

He responded by assuring me every day with his actions and his words that my heart is safe with him. “I am here with you all the way”. “I will not use and abuse you like the men in your past”. It is a privilege for me to have your heart and you already have mine”. 

This has resulted in deep trust in each other, over the years, and the sense of connection, belonging and closeness that both of our hearts were yearning for.  

I do not believe that any relationship can thrive without vulnerability.

Vulnerability requires bravery because it can be terrifying, but it offers us the exhilaration and passion that we desire. The truth is that you cannot control how people behave. I cannot control how my guy behaves towards me, nor can he control my behaviour either.

Being vulnerable with each other does not guarantee that he will not hurt me, nor that I will not hurt him.  Hurt is bound to happen because we are human- it is part of relationships. But, when it comes to creating a true, meaningful and intimate marriage, pain is unavoidable. 

However, the beauty and worth of vulnerability in a marriage is worth it all. There are far more highs than lows, and it is the vulnerability even in the lows that helps us come out of them faster. So, every day we chose bravery, we chose to be open in our weakness, our strengths, joys, pains etc. Where there is vulnerability, there is a beautiful, fulfilling and rewarding marriage.

How can you move from a hardened heart to vulnerability in marriage?

First of all, you need to make a decision to be brave. It might cause you a panic attack at first, but I promise you it is worth it.  Make tiny choices every day that move you closer to your spouse.

Secondly, visualise it. Instead of imagining the worst, imagine what a beautiful marriage you could have if you allowed yourself to be truly seen? 

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8

Thirdly, take God’s word seriously and understand who practical it is. DO NOT FEAR- practicing living in love and not fear.  Remember that perfect love drives out fear. Love builds and fear tears down. Fear is a liar and the enemy will wreak havoc in your marriage if you chose to listen to that voice.

Lastly, be patient with yourself. You do not have to get this right immediately. You are learning new habits and ways of being. But it is important to start practicing this vulnerability by sharing with your spouse the journey that you have just started. 

All the best to you on your journey.
​Be Strong. Be courageous.