The death of Chadwick Bosman who played the role of Black Panther, king of Wakanda has been, for some reason, very hard to swallow! I mean I don’t even the guy. What has been mind blowing for me is the fact that this man had been battling colon cancer for 4 years, and there was not a single article about it in the media before his death! We often read about sources close to “so and so” who confirm a story, that often left me wondering if one can you actually trust one’s friends and family not to speak about one’s business behind one’s back?
I have been guilty of this in the past- sharing someone’s story “out of concern” for them and maybe having people “pray for them”. My intentions might have been good however the person who shared with me may have done so in confidence. And before you know it, the concern becomes public news in what has been termed “the Holy Grapevine”.
The Holy Grapevine is when believers share other people’s business over coffee, in home groups, phone calls etc. under the disguise of concern and requests to pray. We use euphemisms when we should call it what it is. Gossip!
In the past I would sit and hear other people’s stories and to my shame participate, sometimes wondering if they would be okay with me knowing such details about them. Why didn’t I speak up? Fear! Scared to be rejected for calling gossip out?
God convicted me and his word is very clear about gossip.
“A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret”. Proverbs 11 vs:13
I couldn’t be part of the holy grapevine praying circles any longer.
“The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to the inmost parts”. Proverbs 18 vs 8
“A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends”. Proverbs 16 vs 28
There are many more scriptures about gossip in the Bible. The bottom line is that gossip breaks down relationships. It causes unnecessary heart break and plants the root of mistrust in hearts. It “exposes nakedness” and causes shame to the person who is being discussed.
When you find yourself in a situation where a person is being discussed and their personal information is being shared, have the courage to stop the person speaking (this is terrifying!!). Ask them if the person whose information they are busy sharing would be comfortable with this conversation. If you do this, the person will never bring the holy grapevine at your door ever again and you will not be complicit in bringing shame to another human being, God knows there is enough of it going around. Just a word of caution, do it gently and in love. A gentle rebuke without judgement is always better.
You need to recognise and accept that some stories are not yours to share. Instead, ask permission from your friend IF it is ok for you to share their story. Let’s practice giving power back to the story-teller and not robbing them of the opportunity to own their story.
If a person gossips to you about someone else, I can guarantee you that they are speaking about you to other people. Our home, the Zaca household is called “The Vault” because we have deliberately decided that whatever is shared in our home stays in our home. If we want to share your story, we will ask for permission. It is a principle that we have chosen to live by and that have created a lot of safety for us, amongst us and with those we engage with.
I have been very blessed in my life to have women who practice the same. I trust them with my marriage, my children, and everything in-between. They are my sisters and I know they have my back. I can guarantee you that they will defend me publicly and correct me privately. I also have their back and I will pounce on you to defend them. I have many women I can trust and in this post I want to highlight 3- Clarinda, Lusanda and Linda. Thank you that I can trust you with all of me.
If you don’t have any friends that you can trust with your life, I pray that you find some and in the meantime become that for someone else. Let us practice love and kindness to each other by not sharing stories that do not belong to us.
The older I am getting, I am learning from my past mistakes of over-sharing other people’s business which were not mine to share in the first place. I realise that any “friendship” who’s foundations is based on gossip, is no friendship at all! Nothing good comes out of tearing other people down.
Let us all practice what the Bible says. If you have ANY issue with other person you’d be wise to go talk to them directly first! Otherwise, shut up! If you are not sure on whether you should speak to them or not, ask the Holy Spirit. He is able to guide you into all truth. Sometimes you are the problem and not the other person. Choose to exercise wisdom and emotional intelligence- a sign of maturity. As the Bible says, the tongue has the power of life and death. Let use it to bring life. Let stop the triangulation- it is destructive.
