If you have been married for longer than two days, you will know how nuanced communication can be in a marriage or in any kind of relationship. As a team leader, your communication style has probably been called into question at some point. Have you ever communicated with someone and heard, “You don’t listen to me!”?

Do you create division or unity with your communication style? 

Let me share a quick story. I have been married for nearly 18 years, and one of the things that rubbed my husband the wrong way was my style of communication. You see, I was raised in an environment that believed the truth had to be delivered brutally for maximum impact. This is what I brought with me into my marriage the idea that the “blow” of the truth had to be felt in order to produce change. My husband, on the other hand, firmly believes that truth can and should be delivered in a way that doesn’t cause harm and that the truth-teller should never be perceived as the enemy.

For a while, I fought against this idea of delivering truth gently. I resisted the thought that I could be both truthful and kind. But over time, I began to see the impact that harshness could have.

This message is for every team leader, husband, wife, parent, or anyone in a relationship that requires communication.

1. Damaged Relationships

Harsh words can cause emotional harm and create distance between people. Whether in personal relationships or at work, speaking harshly can break trust, damage bonds, and create conflict. Over time, this leads to resentment and misunderstandings, ultimately ending the relationship either physically or emotionally.

2. Emotional Pain for the Recipient

I once had a manager who chose a feedback session to tell me his version of the truth. What he called “truth” was telling me that I was “useless,” that I was taking up too much space in his department, and that he had no idea what to do with me. As you can imagine, I was shamed. I felt demeaned, insulted, and embarrassed. I remember crying in my husband’s arms that night, and nothing he said could console me. My manager had caused an emotional scar that I now needed to navigate.

Harsh words can leave lasting emotional scars, especially if they strike at a person’s self-esteem or vulnerability. The truth-teller often has time to think things over and over in their mind, while the recipient is often shocked by what has been ruminating in your head. Your harshness can take them by surprise. The recipient may feel insulted, demeaned, or unappreciated, which can lead to feelings of anger, sadness, or insecurity.

3. Decreased Communication Effectiveness

After receiving harsh feedback, I have noticed that people tend to become defensive and may stop engaging with you or receiving your messages. Instead of focusing on the content of the communication, the recipient focuses on the tone and intent, making the exchange less productive and more emotionally charged. Harshness shifts the focus from the message to the emotions surrounding it.

4. A Negative Environment

After my experience with my manager, I was left in a toxic environment. Harshness, especially when frequent, can create a toxic environment. In workplaces, homes, or social settings, an atmosphere of hostility and criticism lowers morale, discourages open communication, and makes people feel unsafe or undervalued. I no longer wanted to be in that environment.

5. Loss of Respect and Trust

Being consistently harsh can lead others to lose respect for you. While honesty is valued, harshness can come across as a lack of empathy, which can erode trust and respect. Over time, people might avoid seeking your input or sharing their thoughts with you because they fear judgment or criticism. When someone regularly speaks harshly, it reflects poorly on their emotional intelligence and self-control. It can make them seem incapable of managing difficult conversations with kindness and respect, eroding their own self-respect as well.

While honesty is valued, harshness can come across as a lack of empathy, which can erode trust and respect.

What I have Learned About Being a Truth-Teller

Here’s what I have discovered about being a truth-teller: the gentler the delivery, the deeper the impact. Truth does not need harshness to be impactful. The power of truth is in its clarity and its ability to connect, not in the force with which it’s delivered.

the gentler the delivery, the deeper the impact.

Reflection for Team Leaders

If you are a team leader, I encourage you to reflect on your style of communication. Ask yourself: Do you create division or unity with your communication style? Are you using your words to build your team up, or are you causing harm without realising it?

As leaders, partners, and parents, we have the power to shape the environment around us with our words. We must choose to deliver truth in a way that encourages growth and connection, without causing unnecessary harm.

With love,
Sandra

Your Resilience Expert.